What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
