2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
