Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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