Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
