Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
