my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
