I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
