If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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