Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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