I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
