Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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