An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
