my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
