So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
