you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
