it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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