I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
