dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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