4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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