i just sent this text using only my big toe
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
