cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Randomize
