You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
