I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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