if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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