oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
