DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
