Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
