My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize