Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
