I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
