I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
