I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
