i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
