i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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