I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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