You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
