There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
