the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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