it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
