I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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