I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My cat gives me a boner
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
