The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
