Your dad touched me again.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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