i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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