i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
