She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
