I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
