She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
