Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize