As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
