I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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