I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
