apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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