i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
