i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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