Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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